Ranking the hangovers

I’m sure we can all relate to this one . . .

1 star hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating  your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer  86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed  with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve  had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet  coke-yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a  reject from the class picture of Revere High, ‘76.

5 star hangover,(*****) 

aka “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.”  You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every  pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of  your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right
now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) 

otherwise known as the “Infinite Nutsmacker”  You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning.... You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Ready to Rock” faintly atop your forehead ......that  explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your “hello
kitty” pajamas and your slippers.